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And welcome to another episode of my dramatic love life.
So back to our previous suitor, Mr 23-year-old-online-dude.
Recently we had a huge fight where he said he had enough of being desperate for me.
It may seem that way for him because he's always the one calling me, whereas I text him.
However, he said "it's always me being despo for you, calling and texting you. You never tell me anything." making it sound like I have never texted him back before. WTF? I sent 4 consecutive messages, and I was afraid you'd find it annoying, as most guys do after a while. I don't call you either because I thought hey, maybe you're busy, and you call me when you're free anyway so why not I just wait for your call. It's torture waiting for your calls/texts too you know.
So yeah, we fought, and he brought up the fact that he found someone he liked and that they shared mutual feelings unlike me and him where he's the one being "despo" for me.
I got really upset that day.
I texted him back about my feelings, saying that the only reason why I don't tell him anything is because 1, I don't even know if he's serious about me, so why chance falling for him even harder than I already did? 2, He's popular amongst other girls, so I'd get fucking jealous easily but I didn't want to annoy him with my possessive nature. I've had a bad experience with that towards someone else and that didnt' turn out well.
I said that I'm not gonna force him to stay with me or anything, but it seriously hurts knowing that the guy you like may or may not return the feelings.
Then when he called at night, we talked, and he even said that we should stop this before we get even more hurt than we are now.

Say you love me @
2:02 AM
Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Every single time we fight, it's always the same process.
He gets mad, I get mad, we get quiet, he doesn't wanna talk, I don't wanna talk, then I cry and wait for him to call. Talk about pathetic.
I'm so fucking desperate for his attention, that I sometimes wonder, why the hell am I having such little respect for myself? Why can't I have the guts to just face him and tell him that he's the one who's being a dickhead? Why must I always be the one to wait on him to call and be all apologetic for his temper?
Like just now, he says that Zlense knows that he calls me laopo and I call him laogong. I assured him that Zlense wouldn't say anything, as he most probably forgotten already. Not to mention the fact that it'll be weird for him to refer to us as "a laogong and laopo" kinda thing. Just refer to us by our IGNs. Lol.
Another point is that I had already mentioned that "Something had happened" which led to me and him not going online for so long. Usually the first thing ppl would think of when the girl of a couple mentions that is that it was a fight. So obviously he'd be cautious, no? So it really hurt me that he was bothered by it.
But what hurt me the most was that when I assured him that Zlense wouldnt say anything, he said "No, you dont get it." then when I was a little blur and wanted to know what he meant, he goes all "Fuck, just forget it." I mean, come on. Don't you know that just makes me feel that you think I'm not worth your time for a simple explanation? Lazy? Okay, sure. Next time I'll be "lazy" to tell you what I think. Then you'll just get mad and be like "You never tell me anything! You don't tell me your feelings! This will never work!" sort of argument. Sureeee buddy, go ahead.
Next up, let's refer to my mystery man as Poro. Poro made a character dedicated to me, named "iLoveFT". But whenever he logs into his acc when in his friend's hse, he gets embarrassed. So I told him that he could delete it. Usually what romantics would do is say "No, it's my symbol/dedication or whatthefuckingshitasscheesy noun you could use- for you!" But hah, fairy tales are lies my friend. Sometimes, the princesses don't get what they want. He just said "Even if I delete, need 7 days for it to disappear." So much for dedication, pfft.
Even as I cry and vent my frustrations out here, I know that my feelings haven't changed, that I still love this man no matter how much of a dick he is to me. What a masochist I am.

Say you love me @
2:02 AM

Hah. It's so dumb.
I have a very strong feeling that he's just playing with me and my feelings.
But why can't I just ignore and cut off all ties with him once and for all?
It's not like he actually asked me out and is serious about dating.
He's so secretive, it kinda pisses me off.
Okay, maybe he's worried that I'm the type of girl that becomes super possessive and stuff, so he doesnt share anything with me.
Either that or he wants the choice of just leaving whenever he wants to. Which comes back to the point of using me for his own entertainment.
I mean like, come on. How often do you see a guy randomly chatting up a girl and start going all serious-relationship on her when he hasn't even met her in person.
Frankly, I dont mind meeting up with him. Really, since I really enjoy talking to him.
Butttt. It still pisses me off that he doesnt trust me enough to tell me anything, not even when I ask if he's working or what time is he coming back.
Damn it. I know I'm just wasting my time, my feelings, my energy, but it's been so long since I had someone care for me that way and someone to look forward to talking to when I get home. He's really sweet at times too. I'm still traumatized in a way for *that* relationship, so I guess it's hard for me too.
Another thing is that he keeps talking like he's gonna leave me very soon. I'm not talking about like "breaking up" kind of leaving, but the *poof* kind of leaving. Like BAM, vanish. Kapoof. Which I really really hate. I get so hurt that I'd cry days for sure. Trust me. I'm that sensitive/emotional.

Sigh. This is why I banned myself from getting emotionally attached to a guy before College/Uni.

Say you love me @
11:31 PM
Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Recently I have someone that I kinda like.
A few things that are in the way though.
1. He smokes.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't hate all smokers. I just don't like the thought of being together with someone who inhales and exhales smoke like 5-10 times a day. Not to mention I have asthma. Sigh.
2. He's...flirty?
Calling your gf baby/babe may be normal/sweet, but I can't stand it thinking that you don't really know me, and you're already labelling me with such endearments. Do you do that to every other girl you talk to? Call me possessive, but if I were to have you as my bf, I'd want a loyal one. Not some guy that chats girls up just so that he has many back up girls.
3. He gets bored easily.
Another big problem in a relationship. Having the thought of being dumped/unwanted because you're boring is one of a girls' worst nightmares. Sure, you may be living happily with another person after you dump this girl, but how do you think she'll live her life? Maybe she won't ever get another bf because of it. Hello, traumatizing much.
4. Secretive.
Yeah, we met on the net, and he lives near my block and stuff like that, but whenever I ask about his work or whatnot, he'd avoid the Q. Makes me think he's some shady dude out to harm me or something.

In addition to all this, he just raged at me today, and after he confronted me about it saying "I was playing with you, not really raging", then I'd have to say, I dont want you anywhere near me to 'play' with me. You hurt my feelings so badly. I already got dumped once before because of a 'boring' relationship, and I'd never want to experience that again. Not just that, after we supposedly made up, I just didnt want you to spend money on me, so I told you to spend it for yourself. Is that so wrong? So because of what I said, then you just left the chat like that. Fine. Although I'm hurt like this, I'll just push it aside. My exams are coming up, and I just can't afford to make you sound as if you were my life.

All in all, I dont think this relationship will work out.

Say you love me @
9:08 PM
Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Just because I did badly for my tests, doesn't mean you should give up on me right?
Okay, it was my fault that I didn't do well. Blame it on my laziness.
But as a respectable school head, do you not have the confidence to help me?
Telling me to change to a school closer to my home which will make me happier, isn't a solution.
Fuck your logic.
I'm not happy with my CLASS.
I'm affected by my CLASS.
So god damn it, change the fucking CLASS.

Say you love me @
12:17 AM
Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I can't breathe. 
It feels like someone's holding my heart and just squeezing as tightly as they can.
My bad scores play a part in it, but that's my own fault. I'll work hard to change that. I know I can.
But...I'm so paranoid right now. 
Jolene's so good at reading my feelings. Sooner or later she'll find out that I'm not as stable as I seem.
Smiling. Always smiling. 
Why can't they see that it hurts? Yeah, it's fun to you, but to some others, it's not.
It's not something that can simply be explained.
I'm lucky to have this blog. I can express myself however I want.

Say you love me @
9:37 PM
Monday, May 14, 2012

Today I tried to open up to my class, cos yeah, it may be my prob that people dont like me.
But I realised, that with my current class, it's no use.
Even my ex classmate from 04 who's now in the same class as me, says that no one likes me.
She even hinted that one of the netballers doesn't like me, and wouldn't want to have anything to do with me.
Oh gosh, so many 'me's. Whoops :X
I feel so tired.
I don't want to think that it's because of myself anymore.
Why do I have to suffer so much because of what they think?
So what if they don't like me.
But well, even though I say that, I'm still care very much about what they think.
That's just the way I am.
Caring too much about how others feel, not caring enough for my own feelings.
Hah. If only I could have the mindset of not giving a fuck.

Say you love me @
11:59 PM
Tuesday, April 24, 2012